“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
And bowling should be called pinball
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”