*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
You Might Also Like
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
<—- homeless romantic
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*