if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
repaired
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal