*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
From my Mom
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.