Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook đź‘Ťđź’›
You Might Also Like
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working