(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?