We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
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Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂