Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable