72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*