*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.