John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.