Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
thank god the sign was there
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised