JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.