She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.