I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
multitasking lunch
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.