You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI