BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
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If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Swedish for common sense.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada