Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble