*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
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Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m aging like a fine banana
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then