ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Simple
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?