Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
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My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m aging like a fine banana