Forever 21… pounds overweight
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*