me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/