[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.