dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
That earthquake could have been an email.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I WON A HAM TODAY
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.