Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You Might Also Like
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.