[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.