The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
*jingles half the way*
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults