Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
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I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Warm pools make me nervous.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked