“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
the greatest twitter interaction
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots