At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop