Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
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last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
i hate you platonically
Usage Guidelines
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.