Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.