No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
cause of death:
autopsy.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle