Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Stop.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!