“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective