*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
🙅🏻
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production