I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
my nickname in college
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.