Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?