My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Ape together strong