The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Okay me first
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord