[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.