Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.