Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
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After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
that de-escalated quickly
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.