Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.