Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
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-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
as is their right
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s