Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?