“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Lmao
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*