Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I have no passwords left in me
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
That’s what I call a flat tire
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…