Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.